i went back to some bad habits because someone mentioned something on twitter that i'd heard of a few times but always was going to "go back and research" and now i feel like an idiot for not knowing these things and whenever i find out things like this i get so MAD because wtf people should know things about history E V E R Y T H I N G even the REALLY HORRIBLE AWFUL THINGS THEY SHOULD BE KNOWN maybe not to small children, but once you get to a certain age you should know about things, everything, about your country and everyone else's. and the thing that frustrates me the most is that yes sometimes there are just really horrible awful people that enjoy torturing others but a lot of the time it's people who are taught to NOT CARE, most of the time apathy is more deadly than avid hatred

for some reason i am so fixated on WWII i want to know everything, i feel so COMPELLED to know about every horrible thing that happened, and i know that up until now my education focused mainly on europe (bc there were no japanese history classes at the university for one reason) but that doesn't mean that i'm not interested in the pacific side of the war. VERY FAR FROM IT. no i want to know everything about that also i want to know everything that happened since the annexation of korea and taiwan, manchuria i want to know all of it. no i'm not going to shy away from it. people shouldn't shy away from things like this, it only MAKES IT WORSE. and that's one thing that i really... don't respect about the japanese government (note: government is different from people!!) is their repeated failure to recognize things that happened, they obviously happened even if there's not "definitive evidence", if you don't recognize it there's just going to continue to be tensions and resentment (there will be resentment even if you recognize it), if you recognize it that doesn't mean that every japanese citizen has to hang their head in shame, no that's NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THINGS

(sorry i am just so fired up right now please bear with me)

i don't know what it is about WWII but it just really GETS to me and it makes me want to yell at people and get in their faces and ask all sorts of questions about morality and humanity and when people say that you're not supposed to bring philosophy into history, can i kindly ask WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE POINT OF STUDYING IT. are we just supposed to memorize a timeline and learn nothing else? the past seriously can't offer something more to us than that? i'm sorry but i'm going to punch you what the hell that should be the MAIN reason we're studying history, so we can LEARN from it and not to learn things like "if you start invading russia in the fall you'll probably lose", or "if these two countries are allied it's stupid to attack one if you can't defeat them both" no, not that, yes we can learn practical things, but can't we also learn about ourselves as human beings from studying what the roman emperors did? we can't learn about our own souls, about the essence of humanity, by learning about the SS? i will scream and punch you in the face

honestly i don't know how it came to be that my favorite countries in the world actually form the axis powers. everything i love comes from japan. even hetalia, which made me appreciate the entire world even MORE than i already did, which gave me the best way of looking at the world, came from japan. even way before anime, any fleeting encounter i had with anything japanese, i didn't confuse it with china or korea or any other east asian country, i remember it vividly, and i don't know why! i love japan. japanese is the most beautiful language to me, with its amalgamation of characters somehow it's just perfect for expressing the langauge, i love how the words sound i love how the grammar gives this subtle meaning to certain phrases, i love it. i love japan so much. i can't explain why because i can't explain my feelings and i don't know why i feel these things from the very bottom of my soul. i love germany. i can't explain this either, but the same with japan, even when i encountered it back when i was 10 and we stayed in the german airport for 10 hrs or however long it was, after that i apparently showed so much interest in it mom bought me a tape for learning german (i tried to use it a few times but was quickly too embarrassed to use it much at all). something about germany just feels .... like home? i don't know how to explain this i really do not because i never felt like OH I'M SO GERMAN lol no i'm a really scrambled american egg ok. BUT GERMANY something about it makes me feel so welcome and i just want to hug someone i don't know. i feel like i have almost the exact opposite impression of the country that everyone else does. the german language sounds beautiful and delicate to me just listening to it makes my heart beat faster. i love italy, even if it's from a more recent time than the others i'll always remember sitting in italian class for the first time and thinking i'm hearing real italian from a real italian! i was so nervous and excited that i couldn't hold my pencil correctly my hands were sweating so much (gross i know, but omg you get my point). when my professor lectured about his favorite subject i was just as captivated by everything he said, by the art, by the music, by the culture, by everything. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. i don't know how it got to be these three, but it is.

and exactly because i love them this much, i want to know everything that happened, i want to know all the terrible things. no, i NEED to know. i HAVE to know. it's like when you love a person in spite of all their shortcomings and in spite of the most awful thing they've ever done, i feel like i need to know every horrible thing that has been perpetrated by these countries during their darkest hour. i want to know and i'm going to love them in spite of it. that doesn't in any way mean that i think lightly of the things that they've done or the things that happened, the exact opposite. i want to know how germany, as a general whole, could turn on its own citizens so suddenly, so easily and so thoroughly, i want to know how japan could go from learning nearly everything from china to treating the chinese as something lower than humans (i know i'm not talking about italy right now, but honestly italy does not have the same war crimes record for this time period, of course they massacred and pillaged their way through ethiopia, i'm not going to say that's not BAD, it's HORRIBLE, they'd randomly chop the limbs of "POWs" who usually weren't prisoners for long, but it's not the same degree as say, human experimentation? alright) it's probably silly of me thinking that i can what, dissolve the sins of these countries into my own soul and forgive them for everyone else and for themselves? (that's not really what i'm trying to do, i don't know what i'm trying to do, or if i'm even trying to do it anymore that i'm not going to become a professor)

probably this is all coming out because current events are really pissing me off, like the entire world watches as hundreds of thousands are killed by their own government but as soon as someone pulls out the gas and kills a few dozen then we have to talk about war. i don't mean to sound heartless, what i mean instead is, hundreds of thousand dead human beings isn't enough of a reason to talk about war?? do people even freaking realize that most of the people who died in the holocaust weren't even gassed? they were lined up and shot in the back of the neck systematically, they were shoved into the enclosed backs of trucks where the exhaust was pumped in as the truck drove around until everyone was dead inside, they were worked to death in ghettos, the GASSING only came after himmler got sick and threw up everywhere when he was shown one of the mass executions. the men doing the shooting started to go insane and drink themselves to death. i thought the UN's purpose for existence was "never again"?

i know for damn sure that things aren't black and white when it comes to things like this. no, not only germans were killing people, there were plenty of collaborators coming FROM OCCUPIED COUNTRIES THAT WERE NOT FORCED IN ANY WAY even the regular german army, or the SS EVEN, there is not one recorded case of someone being punished for "failing to carry out an order" if you didn't want to shoot you didn't have to shoot. your family wasn't in danger, your life wasn't in danger, i don't even think your JOB was in danger, they'd just reassign you to a different area, it works a lot more smoothly if everyone isn't complaining and protesting about their position. i don't know in as much detail how it was for the japanese side, but i know that there were koreans and chinese who participated in all sorts of war crimes, right alongside. it's not black and white. human beings aren't black and white.

sorry i'll try not to be so graphic because earlier i made myself really sick to my stomach reading some things and i don't want to do that to anyone else against their will. but i'm really angry i didn't know about these things before, really angry. what i want to know is how can people look at other human beings as not human? how can people treat each other as less than animals? and in most cases it's completely without hate. instead it's disinterest. in one piece i was reading for class once (that i had to actually physically set the material down multiple times because i could hardly digest it, i started shaking when we were discussing it in class) it said that the reason that the soldiers that worked in the concentration camps were able to think up such cruel and inhumane ways of torturing and killing prisoners was merely because they didn't care. not because they hated jews or poles or whatever. no, they were able do really horrible things (things that you probably couldn't imagine happening to your worst enemy), horrible things to children and BABIES just because they didn't care. i still have trouble understanding this point, honestly, the morning after i read it i woke up halfway and felt like i completely understood what the author was saying about this, but as i got up i lost the feeling and still i only halfway understand it, i don't know. what i want to know is how you can use people for experiments, REALLY HORRIBLE EXPERIMENTS, there is no reason that anyone needs to know what happens when you change the color of one twins eye, does the other twin's eye color change too? why. no one needs to experiment on the use of bubonic plague by releasing infected fleas all over LARGE POPULATED AREAS. no one needs to observe what happens when you submerge people in freezing water (obviously they die, slowly), no one needs to know what happens when you remove random body parts, no one needs to know what happens to a person when you inject them with salt-water, or when you make them exist on ONLY SALT-WATER, no one needs to know exactly how long it takes someone to starve to death, how long it takes to die from dehydration. i'm trying so hard not to describe these things in detail i will spare you, i will spare you, but my god.

and if you think that's the worst of it, it's not, it just gets worse, and worse, and i make myself sick but for some reason i feel so much like I NEED TO KNOW, I NEED TO KNOW ALL OF THIS, i don't know why. and after it was all over, it's not like it was condemned as completely evil and thrown away. how do you think scientists and doctor's all over the world know how to deal with hypothermia now? how do you think the we know so much about biological weapons?

do i think that things would have been different if the same circumstances presented themselves in any other country? no. every group of people has done horrible things, every country has bad parts of their history. obviously i don't think that there's anything particularly or especially sinister about these countries that naturally led to this kind of thing, of course not, that's absolutely ridiculous. and that's also the most terrifying, isn't it? to think that people have the capability to do things like this to each other, without any feeling of individual malice? human beings surely are amazing creatures.





but in the end, even after all of that, i still love the world. what is that? i still love it. even if it's horrible and disgusting sometimes, i still love it.

and when reading the stories of terrible suffering, i know we're not supposed to feel this way, but... how can you help but feel sorry for the person pulling the trigger over and over, the person looking into those faces as they begin a surgery, the person in charge of all this blackness, how can you help but feel sorry? for both people involved to have to experience such horrendous pain, because how can you say that the perpetrator doesn't feel any pain or take any part of that sadness. i know it's probably not the place of the present day to forgive, so removed as we are from the events of the past, but i don't know how anyone could possibly begin to heal at all without it. i know it's not my place to forgive anything, i didn't suffer, none of these horrors visited themselves upon me, but i still want to say to these countries, that i will listen to your darkest secrets, tell them to me, i will listen, i won't run away in disgust, don't keep them to yourself, and after everything is said and done i'm sure that i will still be able to say that i love japan, i love germany, i love italy, i love them from the bottom of my soul

this is turning into a term paper i will stop now
this is like 3% of my thoughts on this subject
and this is why i can't be a "professional" historian there is too much personal emotion invested in this topic for me

but i feel a bit more relaxed now that i wrote this out after seeing those things
though i probably still won't be able to EAT FOR A WHILE i have to calm myself down still somehow ahahaha... if you read all of this i will say wow thank you so much you just read 2600+ words that's like 8pgs double spaced

i just wrote a term paper

twitter seems really lively when the whole OT6 can chat around regularly, and it makes me really happy!!

on the other hand, everyone else i used to talk to has started school (and one girl moved out to the dorms) so... no one else is around ;; i feel like with everyone except the OT6 i can never get past a certain stage of friendship with people and i'm not sure why... i try and talk to them at pretty much every opportunity but i guess i'm just not too good with people (i probably go between being annoying by talking too much and then backing off and not talking for a few days orz) idk things are just kind of quiet lately... ヽ(゜∇゜)ノ

in other news... i decided that for now i'm going to quit posting translations on tumblr, i just started to feel uncomfortable about it after seeing a few things, i felt like i needed to compete with other translators (and you know how i deal with competition? i quit), and like people were going to expect them regularly, idk... i feel more like now i need to be focusing on my own stuff instead of translating other people's creations. and actually since i deleted all the ones i was going to post out of my drafts and stopped thinking about translating them i feel a bit... lighter? like i feel i can use tumblr purely as my own enjoyment and not feel like i have to contribute things and idk it's just pretty nice u___u i'm glad i decided to do this, haha (also i feel a lot more comfortable if i'm in the background anyway OTL)

ahhh oh well, anyway! i have to start working hard!! since now i have time i want to use it!! (though i also want to play pokemon eheheh) (also i forgot i loved the twins from ouran a lot)

lately i feel like i need a boost of energy or genki or motivation or something

there are so many things that i want to do!! and they're sitting right in front of me!! but when it comes time to do them i just get really tired feeling and flop over and can only manage to do them half-heartedly... which makes it sound like i really don't want to be doing them, but the thing is that i do which is why this is so frustrating e____e

i'll try and see if things like coffee and tea will help... but i already take excedrin every day and if i get too much caffeine i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster and i can't get off OTL OH WELL I WILL LISTEN TO SONGS THAT make me feel very genki (and maybe get help from SKY HIGH!! SKY HIGH!! later on www) I LOVE CHARACTER SONGS SO MUCH!!!!!

I REALLY WANT TO IMPROVE A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT MYSELF ヾ(▼ﾍ▼；) whether or not these are actually valuable life skills considered important by the world at large is of no consequence

• wake up before/by 10am every day
• spend time with my favorite series every day
• more pixiving (esp for hetalia/kagepro)
• learn how to use makeup (start w mascara + eyeliner orz)
• go out of the house more regularly
• learn how to be more fashionable?? (can i do this)
• pay more attention to food/eating
• learn how to cook more things and try recipies!! (is this really ayu speaking)
• reply to people more often on twitter, try not to die away from convos
• talk more on tumblr (i really want to try and make more friends)
• get better about talking about the things i like in general
• not be so awkward?? if possible
• update this journal at least once a week!!
• play more videogames uwu (flash + rpg maker ones seem kinda popular)
• write and/or draw every day!
• practice guitar seriously
• read more books (try and get used to reading w kindle i will try)
• read even more books
• keep up with language practice! this is really important i've been slacking so much
• i've probably been in history book withdrawal for several months i need to start reading them again
• more books
• install a new ver of photoshop (i want to icon photography from tumblr and a ton of other things)
• try and learn how to make gifs!! ; v ;
• write things and then actually let people read them (stop burying them in my closet)
• write things even if i don't think i'll let people read them
• write things about whatever i want (i saw someone publishing a yuhaku fanbook this yr, it's never too late for anything)
• draw a ton!!
• practice drawing things i'm not good at drawing
• look at a ton of reference pictures / draw things that aren't people!
• try and practice with color... get more comfortable using color and don't be afraid to mess up
• get better at planning out projects... so i can actually finish them
• MAKE A DOUJIN!!!! (life goal)
• don't forget about my own characters and think about them more, develop them more, get really honki about these things
• make a semblance of an original story (aka not something based off of something else)
• learn how to plan out original ideas and get... to work on them...
• write lots of original things!!
• draw lots of original things!!
• try not to let negative thoughts block me from working on things i want to do
• try not to let things bother me or get to me as much, realize that i have just as much a right to exist as other people
• remember to not feel guilty for enjoying things or feeling happy or doing what i want
• listen to nice music always!!

yeah idk how much sense this all makes but i wanna level up maybe if i work hard at all this, things will come together (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

but first of all

"furihata mentions that kuroko is 'unusually talkative' when it comes to books"

ok now does someone want to explain to me how one person can be so unbelievablely perfect i would really welcome that someone help me i'm going to cry myself to sleep every night i cannot handle this one bit jfdk;lsaugidshgdsivbdknls;ncklxdmlutewjgasdk i don't think you understand

ALRIGHT NOW, i have been trying very hard to juggle everything and spend my mornings... LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!! so now i must talk about everything in great detail (not really)

( yuhaku manga (idk which chs) )

( early hetalia strips idk )

( kurobas!! )

( kagepro ch.1 )

OK THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW I THINK

i will leave you with this small tidbit of information, i can't remember where i read this or WHEN I READ THIS but someone was saying that kagami isn't very popular??? (idk how this could be true omg what kagami maji tenshi excuse me??? ......??????????) but anyway apparently there are "a lot of reasons why kagami isn't very popular, especially in japan" (i still don't understand this sentence can someone help me comprehend) and apparently he's considered the actual heroine of the story (i'm cRYING) so if you go to second hand shops there are a lot more kagami-everythings than other characters...... no i thought this was going to be amusing to type but THIS JUST MADE ME SAD WTH .......... kagami is.. such......... a good guy..... ;;__________;; RRRRRRRRRRR IT'S OK I LOVE EVERYONE IN KUROBAS SO MUCH IT CAN MAKE UP FOR IF EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD DISLIKED THEM ヾ(▼ﾍ▼；) (i love you kagami)

but i really need to say... i just want to go to japan so badly!! japan has everything i want! just japanese streets, looking at pictures of japanese streets is just really calming by itself just like the simplest thing... is... nicer... if it's japanese idk how to explain and while i really to appreciate and love america you can't deny that there's a certain character lacking from such a relatively new place. ahhhh i want to see everywhere (´∇ﾉ｀*)ノ

i'm actually kind of disappointed that free! is only going to be 12 eps or wtv bc it's REALLY AMUSING and i thought maybe all the characters would be super annoying or flat but they somehow aren't...?? maybe since it's based off the novel i'm not sure www but it's very amusing and it seems like it should have started earlier in the summer like june or smth so it could be enjoyed during all the warm weather............... no when i think about the time of year i get very upset (the only nice thing about winter is kuroko's birthday o|-< and kana's ww and mom's wwww but you get what i mean)

also all the chara songs for free! are rly creative like A+ great job guys (there better be more ww) HOWWWWWW DID I MAKE A WHOLE UPDATE ABOUT FREE! WHILE LISTENING TO THIS SONG HELP

(i was going to say that i'm typing this entry while listening to kuroko's beautiful voice but instead i'm stuck enjoying the hetalia ost so... ﾍ(;´Д｀ﾍ)

i love fresh new journals with fresh icons and everything is so... fresh. actually the past couple of days i've been feeling like things are really fresh... which is strange bc usually i have to try very hard to feel like that, but i think it's good!

so the past couple of days i have started the plan "live life to the fullest" which really means waking up, and then reading yuhaku, hetalia, kurobas (soon kagepro??) and screaming while sitting on the kitchen counter (yeah idk either) also watching hetalia episodes on my ipod too and kagepro pvs (and later kurobas eps too) ww RRRR I LOVE EVERYTHING SO MUCH IT's wonderful (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

really glad i forced myself to start re-reading kurobas bc this time i'm not trying to catch up and i can read really slowly and examine every panel very carefully like i do now when i read yuhaku or hetalia since i've already read them 249 times and I AM NOTICING LOTS OF THINGS i didn't notice the first time. like KUROKO'S EYE SPARKLES AFTER HE AND KAGAMI HAVE THAT 1-ON-1 AND HE'S LIKE OF COURSE YOU'LL WIN I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW GOOD YOU WERE IN PERSON (also your dunk) CRYINGGGGG!!! s s s s s s so cute help me _(:3」∠)_ (i'll probably make a post... or start like... logging my re-reading bc i'm too in love with... this... manga...) omg i kinda want to do this with everything now ahhh we'll see...!!

ANYWAY i'm really determined to do things... i'm actually getting a lot of ideas lately again (finally) and they don't disappear or i stop caring about them the next day so....!!! this!! is! a good sign!!! ok i'm actually rly tired so i'm going to go play text flash games for the rest of the night and maybe eat nice food too uwu